10 Days of Silence

Tomorrow, I start a 10-day silent meditation course. Mum’s calling it my silent treatment. That’s right, no talking at all for 10 days straight. Also, no phones, no books, no writing, no work outs -not even yoga, no masturbating, no crystals, no praying, no killing anything, not even bugs. Just meditating for 10 hours a day, for 10 days straight. No distractions what so ever. Kind of sounds a bit like prison, though I’ve heard you get TV’s in prison these days, so maybe not. Plus, the fact that I am chosing to attend.

Let me repeat… 10 WHOLE DAYS. 7 days, a week, plus some more days. 240 hours of not hearing my own voice. 10 day of no storytelling, jokes, laughing, physical human contact, singing or dancing. 10 days of no contact with Mitch. You might think why the heck I would voluntarily sign up for something so extreme. Well I don’t do things in halves. I am all or nothing. A 2-3 day meditation course would probably be the logical progression into this, but, if I’m going to do something I like to jump in the deep end. I love to test my discipline. I make brave decisions about big things without really thinking about the reality of the task. Kind of like when I went out to Mäpuru and realised in the first couple week that it was really hard and I didn’t actually want to do that work, but I was there so I stuck out the year. I reckon I’ll get a couple days into this meditation and be like ‘WTF Jess what have you got yourself into this time’, but again it would be too late to back out and I’ll finish it. I like that about me, jump first, be scared second. The big lesson I learned from last year’s challenge is I CAN do anything.

This method of meditation is called Vipassana- to see things as they really are. Run at a centre in Pomona and not connected to any religion or commercialised. I’m not paying to go, but I can chose to donate money afterwards if I can and feel I have got something out of it. I have been formally mediating for about 2 years now. I use the Headspace app. Usually 10-15 minutes most days. I started meditating out of desperation really, in a bid to sort out my back pain. Although I didn’t find sitting still easy and still don’t, I was instantly hooked. I noticed pretty early on that my pain wasn’t fixed, instead it shifted around and its intensity was directly linked to how busy my mind was at the time. One thing that I did not expect from meditation is how it would open me up spiritually. I was already receptive to subtle energy within and around me, meditating made me explode with this awareness, causing some freaky shit to start happening. I won’t go into too much detail here because I like to believe all this is my part of secret super-powers. Long story short, much more magic started appearing in my life. So mediating had such an effect on me in terms of reducing stress and pain, and expanding spirituality, it has since been an important part of my daily routine. BUT 10 days is a big jump from 15 minutes.

Vipassana meditation has been on my radar for a couple years now. I was going to do it at the end of 2020, but I ended up buying an old Troopy and going travelling instead. In the past year it’s popped up so much that it’s clear that I have to do it. A few books that I have read and adored, the authors mention doing Vipassana meditation and that being massive part of their journey in being able to write the book. On top of that a couple people I worked with last year had done multiple courses themselves and couldn’t recommend it highly enough. The timing is perfect for me. I’m not working and don’t plan to until maybe midyear. I am seriously contemplating a drastic career change, after 1 year of teaching. For years I have just jumped into one next thing to another, driven by to need to keep myself financially afloat. I’m in a fortunate position now that I don’t have that pressure. I would like to approach this next chapter with more intention and clarity of what direction I want to head. I hope this 10 days will help clear the head and give me insight into how I should move forward.

The big reason I am doing this is that my nervous system is frazzled. I may seem like a cool cucumber from the outside but internally I spend a lot of time in flight/fight mode, even when I’m not in stressful situations anymore. It’s been this way for years, but I’m much more aware of it now. I manage this OK with a daily mindfulness routine, but would like the time and space to unpack my mind and throw out the patterns that are not serving me and put it back together, so I can feel more calm and safe in the world. Language is important when talking about this. It might be easier to say I suffer from anxiety and chronic pain. Some people say MY anxiety like they own it or after a diagnosis use it as an identity. Sure, I feel anxious quite often. But it’s a temporary feeling and not who I am. Same story with pain. It’s not fixed. It’s just my nervous system reacting to unconscious thoughts and causing pain in an attempt to keep me (emotionally) safe. I believe I can heal this, by healing my mind. This 10 days of silence will hopefully give me more insight into where those unconscious thoughts are coming from. 10 days may seem extreme but it’s nothing compared to a whole life of accumulating toxic thoughts in your head.

I have been back on the Sunny Coast for a few days now, catching up with lots of friends, getting all the talking out of my system before I start. I’m ready for the silence and solitude. I’m tired of talking and thinking about it, I’m ready to just do it. I don’t know how I will feel after, and if I’ll want to write straight away, but stay tuned for the post silence blog. And if I don’t come out floating on a cloud and shooting rainbows from my nipples I’ll be pretty disappointed.

Jess xx

11/1/22